Funny / Stupid Tab

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  APRIL


4/23/18   
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Psalm.
Psalm who?
"Psalm day my prince will come."

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Fido.
Fido who?
Fido I have to wait out here?

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Venus.
Venus who?
Venus you going to open the door?

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Fire engine.
Fire engine who?
Fire engine one and prepare for blast off.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Flea.
Flea who?
Flea blind mice.

4/19/18 
Why did the chicken see the doctor?
It had people pox.

Why did the banana see the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.

Why did the dog see the doctor?
Because a stitch in time saves canine.

Why did the math book see the doctor?
It had problems.

Why did the outlaw see the doctor?
He was a sick shooter.

PATIENT: Doctor, Doctor, every bone in my body hurts!
DOCTOR: Be grateful you're not a sardine!

What animal do you feel like when you have a fever?
A little otter.

What would happen if you swallowed a dress?
You would have a frock in your throat.

PATIENT: The enemy sent a top-secret message, but I was able to read it.
DOCTOR: Top-secret? How did you decipher it?
PATIENT: Easy. I had a code in the head.

4/18/18   
When you are trying to tell a story around the campfire, why don't you want goats to be there?
Because they're always butting in.

What do you call a very large moose?
Enor-moose.

What is the hardest thing about learning to ride wild horses?
The ground.

Why are wild horses rich?
They have a million bucks.

What do you call a nervous cow?
Beef jerky.

Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
The cow has the utter one.

What would you get if you crossed a cow and an octopus?
A farm animal that milks itself.

"Are you milking that cow in your new hat?"
"No, I'm using a pail."

Why did the cowboy ride his horse to town?
Because it was too heavy to carry.

4/16/18
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Vine.
Vine who?
Vine and dandy.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Viola.
Viola who?
Viola fuss, I’m only five minutes late?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Violet.
Violet who?
Violet myself make these jokes, I don’t understand.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Violin.
Violin who?
Violin your neighborhood I thought I’d say hello.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Viper.
Viper who?
Viper hands, they’re still wet.

4/12/18
Why couldn't the police catch the bathroom burglar?
He stepped on the scales and got a weigh.

What's the perfect cure for dandruff?
Baldness.

Why do dogs giggle?
Because they're tick-lish.

Where should parents-to-be invest their money?
In the stork market.

What is a geologists favorite lullaby?
"Rock-a-bye, Baby."

Where do geologists go to relax?
Rock concerts.

How do you make notes out of stone?
Rearrange the letters.

Who is brown and hairy and fights forest fires?
A suntanned forest ranger who needs a shave.

How do hikers cross a patch of poison ivy?
They itch hike.

How do hikers dress on cold mornings?
Quickly.

Two campers were playing checkers. They played five games and each won the same number of games. How is that possible?
They played different people.

4/11/18
MAN: Have you got something to cure fleas on a dog?
PET SHOP OWNER: I don't know. What's wrong with the fleas?

BARRY: Does your dog have a license?
LARRY: No, I don't let him drive.

"Did you tell me your dog's bark is worse than his bite?"
"Yes, why?"
"Then don't let him bark – he just bit me."

Why do fire trucks have dogs on them?
To find the fire hydrant.

What dog bakes cakes?
Betty Cocker.

What did the skeleton say to the doctor?
"I hope this doesn't cost me an arm and a leg!"

What did the body say to the skeleton?
"I've got you under my skin."

What did the heart say to the liver?
"Let's beat it out of here!"

What did the throat say to the birdwatcher?
"I think I just saw a swallow!"

What did the eye say to the mouth?
"One more word from you and you'll get fifty lashes!"

4/9/18
Tongue Twisters
Does someone know a synonym for cinnamon?
Someone once said that cinnamon has no synonym.
But surely there must be a synonym for cinnamon.

If silly Sally will shilly-shally,
shall silly Willy willy-nilly
shilly-shally, too?

There is a pie in my eye.
Will I cry? Will I die?
Though I'm shy, I won't lie.
It might cause a sty, but I deny that I'll die or cry from the pie in my eye.

3X Fast
It is too chilly, the silly child should soon shut the shutters.

Shouldn't sweet-scented shaving soap soothe sore skin?

Stephen Stanley sees seven stars.

Inconsiderate intruders introduce other inconsiderate intruders.

I'll lie idle on the isle.

Joe's giraffe juggled jelly jars.

Jack's giraffe juggled jam jars.

4/5/18
Knock - Knock
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Ron D.
Ron D. Who?
Ron D. vu.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Rona.
Rona who?
Rona boat is hard work.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Lewis.
Lewis who?
Lewis lips sink ships.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
License.
License who?
I haven't told a license I was ten.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Leon.
Leon who?
Leon me when you're feeling faint.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Les.
Les who?
Les get out of here.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Lettie.
Lettie who?
Lettie cat out of the bag.

Knock- knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce begin.

4/4/18
There once was some learned MDs
Who found a new kind of disease.
They bottled and hawked it,
And then they uncorked it
So thousands could catch it with ease.

Why aren't vampires welcome at the bloodmobile?
Because they only want to make withdrawals.

What gets 25 miles to a gallon of plasma?
A bloodmobile.

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a doctor?
More blood tests than ever.


4/2/18 
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dresden.
Dresden who?
Dresden your Sunday best.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen she look nice.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Duet.
Duet who?
Duet again.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Duluth.
Duluth who?
Duluth tooth will get you a quarter.

Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  MARCH
3/29/18
What do frogs do when they play basketball?
They take jump shots.

What is the difference between a basketball player and a tired dog?
The ballplayer wears a uniform, the dog only pants.

What kind of uniform do women basketball players wear?
Hoop skirts.

What do mice where to play basketball?
Squeakers.

What is a psychic's favorite sport?
Crystal ball.



3/28/18
Health Best-Sellers
The Causes of Itching
By Miss Kito Byte

Do You Need Surgery?
By noah I. L. Waite

The Secrets of Long Life
By Sir Vival

You Can Be Healthy
By Colin D. Head

Healthy Living
By Vida Mynn

Successful Dieting
By Yukon Dewitt & Troy Hodder

3/26/18 
Tongue Twisters

Ron won’t run while Wayne runs.
Why won’t Ron run while Wayne runs?
Wayne ruined Ron’s new Reboks.
“Wayne’s to blame,” claims Ron.

Reverend Welch recommended wide record racks.

Rudolf resented Ryan’s relentless rudeness.

Ray’s wife raised rice.

The rice Ray’s wife raised was wild rice.

3x fast
Red wren’s wings.

Real rear wheels.

3/22/18
What do you get if a bunch of thieves dives into the swing of pool?
A crime wave.

Why aren't elephants allowed in the swimming pool?
Because they can't keep their trunks up.

What is big and hairy and travels 1,200 miles an hour?
King Kongcorde.

What were the chickens doing in the health club?
Eggs-ercising.

Why can't you play games with pigs?
Because they hog the ball.

When do pigs give their girlfriends presents?
TheOn Valen-swine’s Day.

3/21/18    
WACKY SHOPPING BOOKS
Collecting Modern Paintings
By Art X. Ibit

Shopping on the Second Floor
By Ellie Vader

Department Store Courtesy
By May I. Helpyoo

The History of Footwear
By Buck L. Myshoo

Shoplifting: A Serious Problem
By Reed M. S. Wrights

3/19/18    
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Succumb.
Succumb who?
Succumb up to see me some time.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Sue.
Sue who?
Don’t ask me, I’m not a lawyer.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Suede.
Suede who?
“Suede down south in Dixie.”

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer chosen, summer not.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer my best friends go to that school.

3/15/18   
"I married a girl who is a twin."
"How can you tell them apart?"
"Her brother has a beard."

DAD: There's something wrong with my toothbrush.
SON: That's funny. It was all right when I used it to oil my bike chain.

DAD: Sonny, why did you let the air out of the tires on your bike?
SONNNY: So I could reach the pedals.

MOTHER: Drink your milk, dear, that makes strong teeth.
COOKIE: Why don't you give some to Grandpa?

TAXI DRIVER: I can't stop this car! I've lost control!
PASSENGER: For heaven sake, turn off the meter!

3/14/18   
A time for insults:
"I throw myself into everything I do."
"Why don't you go out and find a deep hole?"

When I look at it, I wonder what Mother Nature had in mind.

"If I had a face like yours, I put it on a wall and throw a brick at it."
"If I had a face like yours, I did put it on a brick and throw a wall at it."

You're so stupid, you think you have stand on your head to turn things over in your mind.

Why don't you make like a ball and roll a way?

Why don't you take a deep breath – and blow?

I can't figure out what makes you tick, but I think it's a time bomb.

"I always aim to tell the truth."
"Bad shot, are you?

You could go out of your mind and no one would know the difference.

"You must be a terrific bowler."
"How did you know?"
"I could tell by your pinhead."

3/12/18         
Tongue Twisters
The perky parrot playfully pecked the pirate’s pate.

A panda playing with paper placed her paw on a piece of parchment and promptly produced a paw print.

Peter Potter splattered a plate of peas on Patty Platt’s pink plaid pants.

Phyllis Bickle spilled Bill Spector’s sack of speckled pickles.

Patty probably purchased plenty pretty party paper.

How many times can you say this in 10 seconds?

Penny penned a pretty poem.

3/8/18      
Why is a cat on the beach like Christmas?
It has sandy claws. (Santa Claus).

What is heavier in the summer than in the winter?
Traffic to the beach.

What did Cinderella wear when she went to the beach?
Glass flippers.

Where do race cars go swimming?
In the car pool.

Where do phantoms go swimming?
 At the sea ghost.

Where do mummies go swimming?
In the Dead Sea.

What game do you play with fish?
Carps and robbers.

3/7/18  
How do kangaroos add up their purchases?
With pocket calculators.

What do you call a kangaroo clerk with bad manners?
Kangarude.

Where would you buy thirty-six inches?
At a yard sale.

What does a house buy at the mall?
Address.

Where should you pay your car repair bill?
At a crash register.

What do pigs buy for relaxing in the backyard?
Ham-mocks.

What’s an easy way to double your money?
Look at it in a mirror.

3/5/18  
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Diesel.
Diesel who.
Diesel be over before you know it.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
“Doris nothing like a dame.”

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dots.
Dots who?
Dots for me to know and you to find out.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doug.
Doug who?
Doug a hole on your doorstep.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
“Doughnut make my brown eyes blue.”

3/1/18
BOY: Mom, Uncle Charlie took me to the zoo this afternoon.
MOTHER: That's nice. Did you have a good time?
BOY: Yes, and one of the animals came in first and paid twenty dollars.

"My brother is in the hospital with spotted fever."
"Is it serious?"
"No, fortunately they spotted it in time."

"Mom, you know that vase that's been handed down from generation to generation?"
"Yes?"
"Well, this generation dropped it."

Why is it hard to be a turtle?
You can't run away from home.

What do you say to a boomerang on its birthday?
"Many happy returns."


Funny  (And / Or) Stupid -  FEBRUARY
2/28/18
Said a monk, as he swung by his tail,
To the little monks, female and male:
“From your offspring, my dears,
In not so many years,
May evolve a professor in Yale!”

What would you get if you crossed…
. . . an old car with a gorilla?
A grease monkey.

. . . King Kong with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.

. . . King Kong and a parrot?
A lot of big talk.

“Doctor, Doctor, I feel warm and out of breath!”
“You must have the flu.”
“No, I walked over.”

When is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?”
When Moses received the two tablets.

2/26/18  
Tongue Twisters
3x fast
Nineteen nice knights.

Nine nice night nymphs.


Nippy Noodle nipped his neighbor’s nutmegs.
Did Nippy Noodle nip his neighbor’s nutmeg?
If Nippy Noodle nipped his neighbor’s nutmegs…
Where are the neighbor’s nutmegs Nippy Noodle nipped?

Orville ordered ordinary ornaments.

 An oyster met an oyster, and they were oysters two;
Two oysters met two oysters, and they were oysters too;
Four oysters met a pint of milk, and they were oyster stew.

2/22/18   
Where do you put a very smart hot dog?
On the honor roll.

How do you make a hot dog roll?
Tilt your plate.

What is the best way to talk to a hot dog?
Be frank.

What is a hot dog’s favorite song?
“Franks for the memory…”

What did the hot dog say when it won the race?
”I’m a wiener!”

What is green and red all over?
A pickle holding its breath.

2/21/18 
WACKY COMPUTER BOOKS
How to Clean Your Computer
by Dusty Keyboard

How to Fix Spelling Mistakes
by Dee Leete

Set Up Your Own Website
by Dot Comm

How to Get a High-Tech Job
by Bea A. Nerd

The World’s Largest Software Company
by Mike Rosoft

2/19/18    
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Mustard.
Mustard who?
Mustard been a beautiful baby.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub – I’m dwowning.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Denise.
Denise who?
Denise, de sister of de nephew.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Despair.
Despair who?
Despair tire is flat.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Detour.
Detour who?
Detour is over, you’re on your own.

2/15/18     
CUSTOMER: I’d like a pair of stockings for my wife.
CLERK: Sheer?
CUSTOMER: No, she’s home.

What’s a caveman’s favorite place to shop?
Cave Mart.

What do you say when you walk into a store at the same time as a sheep?
“After ewe.”

DOCTOR: Congratulations you’re the father of twins!
MAN: Don’t tell my wife. I want to surprise her.

FATHER: We have twins at our house.
NEIGHBOR: Are they identical?
FATHER: One is and one isn’t.

2/14/18
Where does the Frankenstein monster go when he loses his hand?
Two a secondhand store.

Why are skeletons like blank applications?
Because their forms have not been filled out.

What do you call a skeleton who’s a good friend?
A bony crony.

What do monsters have that no one else has?
Baby monsters.

What do witches ring for in a hotel?
B-room service.

What do you call a group of zombie dancers?
A corpse de ballet.

2/12/18 
Tongue Twisters
Insects. Six insects. Six sick insects.

Isn’t Isadora adorable?

Iggy is interested in visiting with Izzy, but Izzy isn’t interested in visiting with Iggy. Even so, in this instance, Izzy isn’t even in, so Izzy couldn’t visit with Iggy even if Izzy was interested, which he isn’t.

Are those jesters joking or are those jesters jousting?

Nick knits Nixon’s knickers.

Nellie’s new knitting needles knit neatly.

  

2/8/18  
Hamburgers and what?
What do computer scientists like with their hamburgers?
Chips.

What do musicians like with their hamburgers?
Piccolos (pickle-o’s)

What do spiders like with their hamburgers?
French flies.

What do cats put on their hamburgers?
Mouse-tard.

2/7/18    
Have you ever seen the mountain website?
I must take a peak.

Have you ever seen the paper towel website?
It’s very absorbing.

Have you ever seen the boomerang website?
You’ll go back to it again and again.

Have you ever seen the lions and tigers website?
I’m not wild about it.

2/5/18 
Knock-Knock
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Armageddon.
Armageddon who?
Armageddon tired of these knock knock jokes?

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Could she.
Could she who?
Could she, koochy she coo.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dallas.
Dallas who?
Dallas in Wonderland.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Damascus.
Damascus who?
Damascus what you wear on Halloween.

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Dandelion.
Dandelion who?
Isn’t it Dandelion around all day doing nothing?

2/1/18 
CUSTOMER: Look at the watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime.
CLERK: Yes, but you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.

Where does a lumberjack go to buy things?
To the chopping center.

Where do spies do their shopping?
At a snooper market.

Where do bugs buy their groceries?
At a flea market.

Why do most cities have the same stores/
It’s a mall world.

“I was in the mall yesterday on an escalator and there was a power failure.”
“So?”
“I was stuck for hours.”


















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